A Personal Thought

(Appeared In My Kind of Alaska, issue 2, vol. 1, spring/summer)

I am not being bourgeious.
I am not fantassizing.
I am not being facetious.
I am spilling the beans, firing the horn. I am going to hope that there is some sort of therapeutic onslaught that will become of all of this...of bearing my private emotions. but there is always the fear that too much is said. That too much will be misread, misinterepreted, misunderstood. But that is not too far from the daily fatigue that I try to explain to people...no, that is a lie. I don't say much to anyone about these troublinig enigmas.
I don't want to being anyone down with me. Besides, I do not believe that anyone is sincere enough to sink 600 leagues with me.
That is why I am so alone.

He's gone. My best friend. My commrade. My confidante. The only person besides my mother, that I can trust. He is on his way to Oregon to find a better life for himself...and perhaps to pick some berries on his trek. I can honestly say that it wass fantastic having someone so close, so caring as he. He was so good to me, and one of the greatest friendships that had ever happened to me andone of the greatest people that had ever come into my life.
And like that, he was gone.
Our last few days together were calm and fruitful. He was probably wondering how I maintained so kept together and lacked sorrow during our last days together. What he didnt know and what I will never tell him, is that I cried my eyes out the week before, when I was up in Chicago ( I have been going up North more frequently for the desolation of Carbondale hass made me more unstable that usual). I sobbed when I woke up in the morning, I cried in my afternoon cup of tea, and I whimpered my way into my dreams at night.
"Que te pasa,nina?" my mother would ask. I mumbled, choking on tears and mucus, that Joey was moving to te West coast. Upon hearing this, she thought that I had lost my poor mind, and that I had been crying for an unreasonable reason.
"He is not dying. He is not moving to Russia. You're so silly" was her reply. "Besides," she continued, "if you love him so much, then why aren't you WITH him?'
This statement hit harder than a falling piano from the cartoons. I did not know what to say, besides the fact that I could not picture him playing the role of my significant other...a love interest.
My only explanation to that is that he is so much more that what a significant other can be. But, I did come up with a reasonable solution: If in a few years neither of us are completely satisfied with our lives, and we are not in a loving relationship with someone, we should become life partners. Fantastic best friends who will spend time indefinite with eachother laughing, drinking, eating, enjoying life...enjoying each other.
And I would like that very much.
Oh, I miss you.
I cannot stop the teardrops from falling. I hate having perma-red eyeballs. I hate sitting in a bed of tissue roses. I hate not having you here with me. That is why I cannot stay here any lonoger. I dont have anyone important in my life. No love, no companionship.
I have never felt so alone.